Do you know what turns you on AND off? Does your partner know what turns you on AND off? Have you had a conversation with your partner about theirs?
It may seem trivial, yet they certainly aren’t. Not knowing or not communicating our turn ons and offs could be creating obstacles in the way of physically connecting with each other.
Allow me to illustrate this for you. Alfred likes a clean room and house. Bertha isn’t bothered by clothes thrown on the floor or dishes in the sink. Every time they try to get physical, it ends up in the bedroom and immediately Alfred is turned off by the mess and things end there. This begins to frustrate the two of them as they both want to have sex. By communicating this need for Alfred, both can determine how to work together on keeping things hot and heavy. This will also allow Bertha to address any important pieces to her arousal.
On the flip side, Stacey loves when her girlfriend wears a certain scent. Every time Danielle wears it Stacey finds herself wanting to rip each other’s clothes off and lose all track of time and space. Danielle doesn’t wear it very often and Stacey would love for her to wear it more. Again, by communicating this, they can determine a way to incorporate the scent and any other important pieces for them both to get things as hot as possible.
If you haven’t picked up from my other posts, communicating is an integral part of getting all of our needs met, especially sexually.
Are you not too sure what turns you on and off? Not sure how to start the conversation with others about it? Try this: first begin to consider each of your five senses. You can do this by yourself and then share it or do it together. This could even be made into a sexy exploration!
Here are some examples to get your wheels turning and started on your journey:
Hear: do you like hearing the noises of one another? Would you prefer music playing? What kind of music? If not music, what other sounds would help entice you? Or does sound take your mind away from the yummy task at hand?
Smell: is there a scent that drives you wild? Are there scents that you can’t handle [I personally gag at the scent of cinnamon, so this is a must share with my partner!]? Would the aroma of a delicious meal get you excited?
Sight: are there any pieces of clothing that turn you on or off [I love when my husband wears the jeans he wore on our first date!]? Do you like the addition of some kind of imagery such as porn or perhaps watching your partner dance naked? Or perhaps, you prefer to lose this sense for a bit with the use of a blindfold?
Touch: would incorporating vampire gloves get you ready for fun play? Do you gravitate towards silky materials? Or maybe rubber turns you on. Are there any textures that would completely stop all movement in your arousal?
Taste: do you despise the taste of a plain latex condom? Does the taste of whip cream make you want to get naked? Any other tastes bring about lubrication or erection? Are there any that halt the progress?
These are just a tiny fraction of all of the ways to explore and determine what works or doesn’t work in your favor.The more we understand about our arousal and our partner’s, the better we can work together towards having the incredible sex we all deserve and desire.
Remember, the best time to talk to others about our sexual needs are when we are not in the middle of sexual play and everyone is in open, good moods. It also helps to use the positive sandwich method where we give them a compliment, ask for what we need or give a suggestion, and then finish with another positive compliment. For example: “It really turns me on when you take things nice and slow. I would prefer that you don’t just focus on my breasts, but my entire body because when you give my entire body your full attention I am in heaven!”
Give these a try and see if they help.
Until next time,
Dr. Lily A. Zehner, MFT-C is a therapist who specializes in sex, intimacy, and relationships. Her private practice is located in Denver where she helps others reach their fullest relational and sexual potential. To learn more about her and her services, please feel free to take a look around her website.